By Holly Jahangiri
What is the real value of time-out? Writer Holly
Jahangiri shares what she learned about punishment from her 18-month-old.
What Are We Punishing Anyway?
When
my daughter was little, we learned that "time-out" as
punishment simply doesn't work well. The rule of thumb was "one
minute of time out for each year of the child's age." That
sounds reasonable enough. Set aside a place, tell the tantrum-throwing,
misbehaving child to sit there for two minutes, and see what happens.
It's tempting to add another minute each time the child stomps a
foot, yells, whines or talks back.
That two minutes can quickly grow to five, or 10, or -- the parents
finally yell "Go to your room!" so they don't have to
hear any more of it. "Go to your room!" is an effective
punishment for the sociable child, like Katie, who can't stand isolation,
but doesn't work well with the quiet bookworm, like me, who'd just
as soon curl up in bed and read or daydream.
Smart parents may throw up their hands in frustration and try a
different tactic, such as distracting the child. Not-so-smart parents,
after tearing out what's left of their hair, simply give in -- teaching
the child that battles of will are won by the most annoying contender.
It's important to understand the difference between inappropriate
behavior, such as breaking all the good china on purpose, and inappropriate
displays of emotion, such as throwing a tantrum and screaming like
a banshee. It's not fair to punish a child for what he's feeling.
The emotions may be very valid, and the child should be allowed
to express them. It's our job as parents to teach children better
ways of expressing their negative feelings without punishing them
for having those feelings. The "time-out" concept is much
more valuable when used to teach self-control than when used to
punish lack of it.
Stock Your Arsenal with Self-Control Skills
During a visit with my grandmother when my son William was about
18 months old, we learned the real value of teaching "time-out"
as a tool for self-control. We were on our way to dinner -- five
of us, ranging in age from 18 months to 89 years -- when my son
started to whine.
 Normally, he's a pretty easy-going kid, so this was a bit of a novelty.
And we understood, up to a point. We'd done some sightseeing earlier
in the day, and I guess he'd finally had enough of riding around
in a rented minivan, doing what the "grown-ups" wanted
to do. But after 10 solid minutes of his caterwauling, we were all
at our wits' end. Even his great-grandmother, who thought he was
the "perfect child," was ready to tell him to "put
a sock in it." The volume went up; the tone and pitch were
akin to fingernails on a chalkboard. We were caught in traffic with
no place to conveniently pull over. His big sister Katie couldn't
comfort him. He just wailed louder when she tried. Exasperated,
I told everyone to just ignore him.
Amazingly, as we got quiet, he started chanting "My-my-my time-out!
M-m-my time-out! My time-out!" At first, this was a pretty
emphatic, out-of-control sort of thing, accompanied by heaving sobs,
but we were fascinated and didn't intervene. No one in the car had
mentioned "time-out." His breathing was pretty ragged
from crying, but he started to sound calmer.
"My
time-out, my time-out, my time-out." He started to breathe
normally, his voice lowered almost to a whisper, and he got a dreamy,
far-away look in his eyes. "My...time...out." He sighed.
His expression was pleasant. He smiled at his sister. He smiled
at us. He was fast asleep by the time we got to the restaurant.
When he woke up at the dinner table, he was pleasant company. The
transformation was amazing, and he did it without any help from
us!
"Time-out" belongs to the child. It's a skill, a tool
and a way to cope. As William said, "It's MY time-out!"
Give your child a safe place for taking a time-out. Let your child
whine, scream, stomp her feet, grumble, punch the floor, whatever
-- within the boundaries set for "time-out." Instead of
"Take a TIME-OUT!" say "You look like you could really
use a time-out. Why don't you sit right here until you've got yourself
under control." Say it with sympathy, but walk away and enforce
the boundaries. "You're welcome to come over here if you're
ready to talk or play quietly. If you're going to fuss, that's OK,
but you need to stay THERE." William was able to create his
own "time-out" space without ever leaving his car seat.
My Time-Out!
Mommies and Daddies need "time-out" sometimes, too! Sometimes,
when our nerves are frazzled after a long day, all it takes to light
our shortened fuses is kids being kids. When the normal level of
bouncing off the walls makes you feel like screaming, try taking
a "time-out" for yourself, instead. Teach your children
that "I need a time-out" means that you need to go to
your own space and be left alone for a little bit. If you've helped
them master the "time-out" skill for themselves, they'll
understand. If you haven't, you may have to lock yourself in the
bathroom to get a moment's peace! But do it before you snap at your
child for acting like a child.
Article written by Holly Jahangiri.
All opinions expressed are that of the writer.
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